Do you have any idea the endurance that I’ve built in you?
I heard this one morning during my quiet time. It seemed out of nowhere. I was studying my daily verses from Jesus Calling, a devotional book that I’ve read over and over and over. It was actually discussing being careful of what spews from our faces at each other or in general. I had recently been rejected by close friends. I’m still not sure for what, actually, and was looking for encouragement to hand over my anger, bitterness, and hurt. When you don’t know why someone cuts you out or gets upset with you, there is so much that floods in, assumptions that get foothold, and insecurities that swirl to the point of devouring your brain.
I am into communication, so this was my worst nightmare. But, somehow, I’m doing okay. I was beside myself the first day that I had realized this friend had done this to me. I thought she had deleted her facebook in a time of hard things. I was also told by a mutual friend that she pulls away when in hard places and you just have to give her time to resurface. One night, I had an avalanche of realizations, things I actually had already known, but was caught up listening to the other friend, who knew what was going on the whole time. I felt betrayed, lied to by omission, rejected, blindsided, and like a loser.
What is wrong with me? Why does this happen? What did I even do? Why am I not worth communication? Am I really so terrible of a person that I deserve this type of treatment and passive aggressive response?
Then…I snapped out of it. I clung to God and Psalm 147:
And suddenly, I saw things through this clarity and peace. Many things were illuminated and set in front of me for understanding, which God gave me. I didn’t know the actual details of why this had happened or how long it had been going on for. And It didn’t make it less painful to experience, but the pain was wrapped in a peace that didn’t make sense. I was able to tolerate it, endure it. I was able to be in it and accept it. It’s hard to accept things that are an injustice, unhealthy, or in someone else’s disfunction instead of our own. You want them to wake up. You want them to see what you see. You want them to know the hurt that they are causing you. And you want them to step into healthy so you can feel relief from that hurt. In truth, we have all been on the unhealthy side of things, dishing out hurt to someone else. And we have all been on the receiving end of it. It doesn’t make it okay, it makes it the every day battle of being in the enemy occupied territory of this world.
So, in my peace and clarity and endurance, I will pray for them. I will sit in my God’s love and grace, extending it to them as I sit on the healthy side of a few boundaries that needed to be set with these two friends a long time ago.
As I studied, I realized it was all connected. It’s being pointed out that I need to be careful what I spew in my pain. I am being reminded to choose boundaries, to let others battle their own hard when they have deliberately pushed you out of it, accept rejection as a worldly thing that will come because it does not define who you are, and run like hell towards God in it all.
My prayer today:
Thank you, God. Thank you for your goodness, your peace, your wisdom, and your grace. Help me to find your love for these ladies, not my own, imperfect worldly perspective. Help me to stick to healthy boundaries, to battle codependency, bitterness, and insecurity, to know my own worth, and to accept and hand over to You what I can not change in all of my situations. And thank you for the Psalms and for worship, my constant source of connection to you. Amen.
