Do you have any idea the endurance that I've built in you??.....Rejection in Christian Community

Do you have any idea the endurance that I’ve built in you? 

I heard this one morning during my quiet time. It seemed out of nowhere. I was studying my daily verses from Jesus Calling, a devotional book that I’ve read over and over and over. It was actually discussing being careful of what spews from our faces at each other or in general. I had recently been rejected by close friends. I’m still not sure for what, actually, and was looking for encouragement to hand over my anger, bitterness, and hurt. When you don’t know why someone cuts you out or gets upset with you, there is so much that floods in, assumptions that get foothold, and insecurities that swirl to the point of devouring your brain. 

I am into communication, so this was my worst nightmare. But, somehow, I’m doing okay. I was beside myself the first day that I had  realized this friend had done this to me. I thought she had deleted her facebook in a time of hard things. I was also told by a mutual friend that she pulls away when in hard places and you just have to give her time to resurface. One night, I had an avalanche of realizations, things I actually had already known, but was caught up listening to the other friend, who knew what was going on the whole time. I felt betrayed, lied to by omission, rejected, blindsided, and like a loser. 

What is wrong with me? Why does this happen? What did I even do? Why am I not worth communication? Am I really so terrible of a person that I deserve this type of treatment and passive aggressive response? 

Then…I snapped out of it. I clung to God and Psalm 147:  

And suddenly, I saw things through this clarity and peace. Many things were illuminated and set in front of me for understanding, which God gave me. I didn’t know the actual details of why this had happened or how long it had been going on for. And It didn’t make it less painful to experience, but the pain was wrapped in a peace that didn’t make sense. I was able to tolerate it, endure it. I was able to be in it and accept it. It’s hard to accept things that are an injustice, unhealthy, or in someone else’s disfunction instead of our own. You want them to wake up. You want them to see what you see. You want them to know the hurt that they are causing you. And you want them to step into healthy so you can feel relief from that hurt. In truth, we have all been on the unhealthy side of things, dishing out hurt to someone else. And we have all been on the receiving end of it. It doesn’t make it okay, it makes it the every day battle of being in the enemy occupied territory of this world. 

So, in my peace and clarity and endurance, I will pray for them. I will sit in my God’s love and grace, extending it to them as I sit on the healthy side of a few boundaries that needed to be set with these two friends a long time ago. 

As I studied, I realized it was all connected. It’s being pointed out that I need to be careful what I spew in my pain. I am being reminded to choose boundaries, to let others battle their own hard when they have deliberately pushed you out of it, accept rejection as a worldly thing that will come because it does not define who you are, and run like hell towards God in it all. 

My prayer today: 

Thank you, God. Thank you for your goodness, your peace, your wisdom, and your grace. Help me to find your love for these ladies, not my own, imperfect worldly perspective. Help me to stick to healthy boundaries, to battle codependency, bitterness, and insecurity, to know my own worth, and to accept and hand over to You what I can not change in all of my situations. And thank you for the Psalms and for worship, my constant source of connection to you. Amen.

God is the God of Lost Socks and Parking Spots

God is the God of Lost Socks and Parking Spots

I tell this to my boys often. 

If you think about it, what are a couple of the most mundane and frustrating details of life? Parking and wondering into what alternate dimension did your lost socks disappeared into. And it's okay to pray and give up both to God. He cares about them. I promise. 

One day, I was frantic to hear from God. I woke that day with my heart and head racing, feeling completely disconnected, cut off from everything around me, and directionless. I broke down in my living room as my boys raced to get into the car that morning. I said out loud as I dropped into a chair, “God. I need you RIGHT NOW before I walk out that door. I need direction. I need you to tell me what to do. Help me to hear YOU above anything else. I want to stop these frantic feelings, being restless where you have me unless you want me to move, and help the enemy to stop playing with me, spinning me in circles.”

Around, around, and around we go when the enemy (satan and all the negative spiritual whatnot that accompany him) is messing with our lives. It sounds something like: LOOK!! or WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING!? or WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? or NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU. or ARE YOU SUUURE YOU KNOW WHAT GOD HAS FOR YOU? and so on and on and on. It can get you completely turned around, misdirected, and upside down on things.

It is exhausting. 

Like a house of mirrors and distortions, the enemy puts things in front of us that distort who we think we are or can do. We see ourselves as powerless, unlovable, and less then where it counts. This is why it is so important to question those negative things, take them to the throne. Because, while it is definite that we will face tough struggles of change, growth, and edification, we also are loved dearly by God who can and will qualify us with His authority to do whatever He calls us to do. 

Romans 8:31 (NLT) says, "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?" 

AAAANDDDD...

Romans 8:35-39 (NLT) says, "Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

BOOM! That is pretty powerful stuff right there. 

So, lets recap: 

          

   Powerful instead of powerless? CHECK

   Dearly loved instead of unlovable? CHECK

   Matter enough that nothing can separate us from God's love instead of not? CHECKITY     

     CHECK. 

I mean, even sitting here right now and writing this, I am feeling like there’s no way that my words will ever matter to anyone because they are junk, I am junk, and I don’t measure up to anything. These are lies. Enemy poking at me lies. Reminding me of all that I fear, all the hurtful things that have been said to me on worldly terms, all my mistakes, weaknesses, or imperfections (is my grammar or sentence structure bothering any of you yet 😉), and all that could hinder me from doing what God calls me to do. 

I can't get stuck on that stuff. I have to lay it at God's feet and move forward despite my self consciousness. 

SOO, on this frantic day, I am scrambling around to find a place to find direction with two energetic 6 & 8 year old little boys. You see, I don’t have wifi at my house and I wanted to sit with my laptop and search for open doors for our future. I tried the YMCA, coffee shops, ect. But, two small boys will soon lose it in a boring place like a coffee shop, some place without a playground, and the YMCA hours for free childcare is minimal and already being chased by many other parents. So, I start driving around directionless and confused, pulling over randomly in parking spots. Finally, desperate to get a grip, while the boys chattering loudly with each other in the backseat, I call my dad. 

I talk with my him about how do we KNOW if we are just uncomfortable in a place that God has us for growth because it happens to be hard and filled with of spiritual warfare OR if it is because we are supposed to move. I'm glad he was able to make sense of my ramblings. After words of wisdom that included the statement, “Go to God for Him, not for you. When you go just for direction and what YOU want and need, you are missing Him. Seek God first.”, I decided we were just going to go home and surrender the day to random home things. I felt like I just needed to give up at finding a place. I was sad, lonely, and felt like I just can't do anything right and God just wasn't going to give me a direction today. 

As I readied us to back out of the parking spot, I noticed that we had a couple random library books that I’m sure were due soon. We swung by the library and it hit me, Uhhhh, DUH, the library has entertainment of all sorts for them, wifi, resources, and so much more (the Pikes Peak Library system is AMAZING). I am overjoyed and relieved at the provision that has just happened. I had been prayed in my chaotic mind to find a place of peace with the things we needed AND wasn't going to cost me a bunch of money. 

"BOOM! There you go, Kendra." (I always picture God mic dropping with a smirk in moments like this because he gets me and my sense of humor)

"Thank you, Lord." 

Then, we park and immediately I look to pay our meter because I’m sure it’s open since it’s 9am. And with a recently meter fail that had led to a $20 parking ticket, I was just NOT going to suck it up to pay another one. So, I’m searching car and purse, praying for God to provide me the change needed because this space has an old meter that does not take cards. 
I find it!  

It’s not open. 10am. Sigh....

So, I start to look stuff up on my phone to see if we are missing any other books to return that may be floating around my car. I figure that will kill time. 

Shoot. We have a video game that they won’t let me renew because there’s a hold on it. And it’s at home. So. I go back and forth about wasting my almost $2 on parking when I just paid that stupid ticket (which was my own stupid fault). I can't imagine spending one more dollar extra on it. I realize how silly I'm being and surrender to it. We are 5 mins away from home and it’s a 20 min wait. We will do what we need to. 

Just then a lady pulls up next to me. She gets out as I’m loading the boys back into the car and asks if she has to pay to park here. I say yes and inform her that the library isn’t open yet, so she doesn’t make my mistake. She mentions her company is having a board meeting here. As I'm getting into the car, I hear her talking out loud to herself, in her hurry to get inside on time, that she doesn’t have change or cash. 

In that moment, I realize my spot is hers. I get out and tell her to take mine since it's already paid for the next couple of hours. She tries to politely say that it’s okay and that her meeting will be long enough to take the entire time up. As if prompted, I hear myself say, “You needed this and here it is provided, I’m happy to.” She cheerfully thanked me and I left. 

The boys were curious and Lyric (my 8yr old) mentioned how nice of me it was to do that. I thought about it and then told him, “Do you remember me praying for provision for that money to pay the meter? Well, sometimes we pray for something and it ends up being for someone else. It is knowing when to let go of provision that is the hard part. God connects people in those little ways. He shows us love through each other with acts of kindness. That wasn’t for us, it was for her. Just remember in life, God is the god of lost socks and parking spots.” They were confused and giggling over my silly saying.

Here’s the thing, God cares, big or small. I’m sure that lady could have found money from someone else or an atm or something, but there I was. There was the provision in the moment she needed it, even something that minute in her day. In my heart in that exact moment, I knew God was showing me that He is always moving in even this teeny, tiny, loving, seemingly unnecessary way. God’s love is so pure, so exact, so covering, that those small things do not escape Him, EVER.

Our momentary inconvenience of having to wait, my mistaken choice to pay ahead without checking first, our disappointment over not getting to keep the video game, and all the rest, became something God used to love someone else. I mean, if something that small can be used can you imagine what God can do with our deepest hurt and our worst mistakes? It boggles my mind. 

My frantic search for meaning and direction led to a lesson so deep in a place so seemingly small, that I almost missed it. I was longing and asking for some big thing. I wanted some large, knock me over the head sign on where God is leading me and what He is calling me to do.  I did find knock me over the head, but I found it in the most gentle, subtle place. God can and does move in large ways, but he doesn't stop there. He never stops. In the day to day, He is in the little places that we overlook in our busy. Those quiet places when we are running around yelling and bombarding ourself with noise and distraction, He is there. 

Just remember, God loves you and all of your little details. God is moving in them. Every. Single. One.They just may not look how you imagine or be in the timing you want. Sometimes it may be giving to someone else out of your own mistakes, disappointments, and hurts. Sometimes it may be accepting where you are, no matter how difficult. Sometimes it is moving out of your comfort zone and daily routine in a terrifying way when you’d rather be sitting comfy. Seek Him first, the rest will follow.